June 17, 2014

I've been in my intermittent state of emotional deprivation lately ... I feel like I've just got to FEEL something, like I'm going to go nuts if I don't cry or get angry or run for miles into the wind or do something otherwise illogical and crazy. Last night I stayed up until past 2AM watching sad music videos, trying to get myself to cry ... this one finally made me burst into sobs, but it wasn't enough to fully help:



I know part of it is that one of my best friends is traveling in Europe right now, and hearing all the stories of everything she's doing and seeing has made me itchy to have an adventure of my own ... I'd love to jump on a plane to Dublin tomorrow and spend a month just wandering there, hopping between cheap motels in little seaside towns, spending my days walking through the pretty streets, talking to people, and roving the countryside. Or maybe even staying all summer and getting a job somewhere in a little store, so I could interact with people and be productive at the same time.

I just want a change. Something new. New people. I want to meet a thin, intelligent British professor and marry him and raise a bunch of little artists and scientists and mathematicians and musicians, in a sunny house by the sea. But I want to do adventurous things, too. Maybe work with missionaries in the Middle East for a while, or if I had my British professor, we could go together and be a fabulous missionary couple. He would teach people and I would heal them. I want to make things, draw things, take beautiful pictures, sing powerful songs, and find the perfect clothes to express my personality. I also want to climb a mountain, fly in an airplane, build a house, plant a garden, and feed a homeless person. I want to cure cancer, end hunger, stop war, heal nations, and bring love and health to everyone.


...

This will pass; it always does. I'll go back to being dully content with my monotonous days, and everything will be all right again.

And I'll have to wonder ... what if one day these spells quit coming, and I never do anything fabulous at all?

~ Vicki