August 3, 2015

I was feeling so overwhelmed and discouraged this evening when God reminded me of this song:



I don't have to tackle all of my life changes in one big sword-swing effort. They will all unfold slowly, like a flower. Life is mostly made up of small moments and small steps; and the only step I need to focus on right now is the next one.

Tonight, my next step is to clean up my mess of books and papers on the couch and go to bed before it gets too late.

I started to list tomorrow's next steps, but I'm not even going to do that. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Goodnight, my sisters.

August 1, 2015

It was a beautiful night.  :-)

July 8, 2015

I have been trying so hard to focus my head on writing and blog-designing lately - not to mention reading scholarly journals, studying MATLAB tutorials, finishing my craft projects, and honestly just about anything helpful and productive - and I'm really struggling to do anything but slump in a chair and stare at mind-jellying stuff on the Internet! There are things to write about and take pictures of; but I just can't seem to muster the concentration and motivation to discipline myself to do it!  :-(

*Sigh* Life is good - work is good; I only have a few weeks left before starting grad school; I'm working a little with my mentor professor and learning a lot; and I've been doing wonderful things like starting cross-stitch samplers and reading Louis L'Amour novels. It's been raining in my part of the Midwest for weeks, meaning lots of Beatrix-Potter, foresty-smelling days - I wish I could somehow capture a smell and post it here, don't you? There's nothing like the smell of woods in the rain, and I'd love to share my trees with you.  :-)

I'm hoping to be doing some more traveling, personally and for work, very soon - I'll try to take more pictures to share with you!

And I really am still hoping to launch a new blog before the end of the summer - I'm pretty settled on the content theme, and am tinkering with the design, trying to get it just the way I want it - misty, peaceful, with just a tiny edge of funny sarcasm. Content-wise, most of the posts are still going to be mainly day-in-the-life stories; but instead of the inner theme of the blog being my own turbulent thoughts, I'm going to talk more about my experiences as a grad student - what I do in classes and clinic, how I grow, and what things I learn about being a successful student and future clinician. There aren't very many blogs about grad school, probably because most grad students are so sick of writing that keeping a blog would be just too much; so as my backup plan, I'm learning about taking better photos, and I hope to save up and buy a nicer camera at the end of the summer, so I can post photos when words fail me.  :-)  And there are a few other things I'd like to do with it, too. So I do have ideas, even if I've been struggling to enact them!!

What about you? Is summer treating you well? What smells are the sun and rain and wind bringing out in your part of the world? What have you learned, what are you trying that's new?

~ Vicki

June 4, 2015

I am forcing myself to sit down, put my hands, to the keyboard, and write.

I don't feel like writing - I've done plenty of it already today. I sent 26 emails today, 11 yesterday, and 39 the day before - not to mention the countless instant messages and verbal conversations that fill up the few minutes of each day that aren't spent staring at a screen. My fingers fly on that keyboard, spewing forth overly friendly greetings, gently phrased orders, requests for information, and reassurances of cooperation. Hour after hour after hour.

When I get home, it's very difficult to write the things I want to write. My fiction has suffered badly - I painfully choked out three pages' worth of a scenario from a book I've wanted to write for several months, but by the end of the third page, I had degenerated into boring, predictable dialogue and unnecessarily detailed descriptions. Unusual for me. My blogging is also suffering - as I mentioned on Sunshine and Shadow, I really am planning new things for both of my blogs, but part of my absence is also due to plain old writer's block.

I'm getting quicker and more skilled every day at business communication - rapidly choosing the best phrase from an arsenal of variants on "please" and "thank you", in order to put together the magic combination of words to get what I need from overworked executives and stressed students. My ability to communicate has never served me better - even my supervisor defers to me in matters that require smooth, ingratiating language and a perky tone of voice. Yet because this kind of communication requires so little creativity, I worry that my actual writing ability is suffering. My storytelling ability is atrophying.

Soon I'll be in grad school - again, doing all the writing I can possibly handle. But again, a very different kind of writing than fiction. I wonder if it will serve me better, or if it will take me even further away from my hope of publishing a novel someday?

May 6, 2015

This.

This is terribly important:

From Pinterest

I will be writing more about this in the days to come.

Also, there are flowers blooming and warm sunshine, and my heart is feeling a bit better. Thank you so much for bearing with me and for your encouragement - it's not nice of me to come and dump on you, but you are so patient with my bad moods and melodrama. I am very tired and have a lot of things to figure out, and don't have much energy to figure them; but I need to be like Peter and trust that, if I sink in the waves, Jesus will stretch out His hand and lift me back up. Thank you for reminding me that He will.

I also need to learn how to find more balance in my life. All day, I try really hard to be extremely sugary-sweet and happy with all of my coworkers and clients; so by the time I get home, my "happy tank" is completely drained and my "sad tank" is completely full, and I have to watch or listen to something - or just be, myself - sad or melancholy in order to bring things back into a balance. I need to learn how to constructively express some of my negativity during the day, so I have some reserves of positivity left for my family and blog in the evening.  :-)

And now I need to grab a few precious hours of sleep before doing it all again tomorrow ... beautiful adulthood!! I can't wait to jump back into grad school and get a few more years' reprieve!

Hugs!!
Vicki

May 2, 2015

I get worried by these sudden blasts of darkness that overcome me when I'm not expecting them ... tonight I was suddenly overwhelmed by a crushing wave of despair, a black certainty that I will never become the person I want to be, never break free of the apathy and sin that constantly suck me down, never do anything more worthwhile than achieve grandmaster status on Farm Heroes Saga. I cried more directly to God than I have in a long time - God, I'm sinking. I'm not going to make it. I'll never be the brilliant heroic person I want to be - I'm going to be stuck here in my yoga pants and earbuds, stalking Josh Groban and scrolling through Pinterest. I'll never be filled with the Spirit; I'll never be a light to anyone; I'll never achieve or discover or accomplish anything. This is how it's going to end. This is how it will be for the rest of my life.

It's good, I guess, if the waves drive me to cry out to God instead of someone or something else; but having been through a very dark time that I believe was depression once already, I'm terrified that it could happen again. And this is just about the worst time it could happen again - not with grad school and so many big changes coming up in the fall. How will I dive into my studies with enthusiasm and determination if I am certain that they're all futile and wasted anyway?

If depression does come again, it will be my fault. That's what's the most difficult thing of all. If it comes, it will be because I was self-indulgent, and didn't make myself get off my seat and deny myself and go do the things. It will be because I sat and hated myself intensely for two hours while playing online historical doll costume games, instead of channeling the hatred to kick myself off the computer and go make or draw or knit or write or bake something. It will be because I let it happen.

That's what frightens me most of all.

May 1, 2015

I wish you could be chilling here on the couch with me tonight, watching Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World!




Of course, then you'd have to see me with my scraggly wet hair up in curlers ... and my Tim Hawkins Jackwagon tee ... barefoot ... with my blue tooth-whitening trays stuffed in my mouth ... and painting my nails Barbie pink.

Yeah, maybe it's better for you to just stay where you are tonight.  ;-)

Hugs!!! I hope you're doing well and enjoying this beautiful weather! All of the trees in my town are bursting into flower, filling campus with sweet fragrances and fairylike walks. I'll post pictures of them soon!

Have a wonderful evening, dear sisters!
~ Vicki

April 22, 2015

I was going to post something ridiculously fangirlish about how Josh Groban has gray in his beard and it makes me love him more than ever ... and how if he ever accepts Christ, I shall immediately set out on a no-holds-barred cross-country voyage to grab him and marry him on the spot ...

... but yeah, you don't want to read that.

So instead, I invite you to jump under my fuzzy blanket with me and listen to his beautiful voice in this beautiful song, and let it brighten your evening a bit.  :-)

March 15, 2015

Spring work clothes shopping list:

To keep me on track, so I don't go blow my paycheck on fluffy dresses and band tees instead of things I can actually wear ...

Striped and floral cardigans

Skinny (NOT tight) career pants

   * In a color?? This would be a leap for me, but it would sure open up outfit possibilities!!

Structured, non-knit tanks and tees, print and solid

Floral tank dresses that are neat, but fit loosely enough to be comfortable

Colored and brown flats

Statement jewelry

April 6, 2015

I haven't been reading or writing much lately, but I've been making some pretty decent music videos:



I hope you had a wonderfully blessed Resurrection Sunday with your families!! I'll try to get back online soon!

Hugs,
Vicki