April 30, 2016

"Tell her I just think it's none of her business!"

I stepped back and stared at myself in shock as soon as those words escaped my mouth. Where did that angry, rude spirit come from? That wasn't like me at all - not like "sweet" Vicki, always so polite and ingratiating and docile. Why was my chest filled with this sick heat? Why had I said such a nasty thing?

Guy friend laughed and soothed my ruffled feathers. He understood it before I did. As we ducked out the door, it hit me: I was jealous. Her casual remark had made me jealous.

I didn't want her knowing where we went for dinner. I didn't want to think about her during the first precious hour I'd had with him in a week - all legitimate, up to a point. But when my feelings for him cause me to hurt other people? I have gone too far. I have let something beautiful become something ugly. I have let love become an idol.

This isn't an ending; this is a beginning, a redirection in my thinking. How can I use this funny one-and-a-half-sided relationship as something to bless other people? Could our time together be spent benefiting others, not only holing up in our cozy introvert bubble and talking about nothing for hours? Can I apply what I'm learning from him to my other relationships?

It's food for thought.