March 18, 2016

Today has been better.

I slept in very late this morning and shipped everybody else out after lunch, and enjoyed having the house to myself. I painted a little pot to plant arugula and lettuce in, nursed a bad headache with some peach tea, did a little bit of homework, and watched Star Trek: The Next Generation and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. The windows are open and it's a bit chilly, but the fresh air smells so good that I don't even mind.

I'm not angry today. I am much less sad. I wish things had worked out differently between my friend and me, especially since a lot of what happened was my fault, but I hope and expect that when we see each other again, we can find a way to put it behind us and keep walking together as friends and siblings in Christ.

And I've learned.

For such a long time, people have told me I was so "sweet" and "kind" and all that; but I've learned that I can also be selfish, and inconsiderate, and arrogant, and wrong. So much of what I said and did was almost compulsive, a product of the maddening anxiety that made me demand answers and demand to walk by sight, not faith; so I don't know if I will be able to control it and act differently next time, but now, at least, I will have something to look back on and know what will happen if I don't. If I act and lead and demand, rather than rest in God's timing and trust His plan.

Now I need grace ... I have been forgiven, but I need grace both to stop punishing myself, and to know how to face him when we meet again. I don't want him to feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me - I want him to feel that our friendship is still safe, and I want him to be free to push on ahead with his life and his work without further distraction from me. So in the next few days, I need to continue to heal, to re-center, to reach out for and receive God's comfort, and to rest, to the point that I can face him with a smile and true forgiveness and friendship in my heart.

Abba, forgiveness and fellowship are Your own heartbeat - please pour out Your grace on my fragile heart.