There are different levels of thoughts, I think:
- the ones that I am excited to share with everyone,
- the ones that I enjoy sharing with friends,
- the ones that I share with a few close friends and family because I know they will be gently received, and
- the ones that I can only write feverishly in my journal because they burn too hotly to keep unsaid, but I'm afraid to share them because people's reactions to them might hurt too much.
Tonight I shared some ideas from that last category with a friend of mine ... I didn't intend to share them with anyone yet, because they're half-formed and not ready to be talked about; but the problematic thing about these deeply private thoughts is that they're kept in a hermetically sealed compartment of my heart - meaning that if their lid is cracked even a tiny bit, they burst out like a pressurized gas and flutter through the air like a blast of flower petals. So it was tonight. I wasn't ready to talk about these fragile, baby-violet ideas yet, let alone hold my breath as I watched her grab them, toss them around, pick them apart, and casually hand them back to me bruised and damaged.
She didn't know they were so delicate - it wasn't her fault. I could have avoided the conversation - we know each other well enough that she would have respected me if I had asked to stop talking about it. But like I said, they all came tumbling out and wouldn't stop until I was left shaking, flushed, and embarrassed that I had ever thought of such a thing in the first place.
I know that there are people who can easily share their innermost thoughts and they see it, not even as an easy task, but as a pleasure. I genuinely do not understand these lovely people at all. Every time I tell people something from this deepest part of my heart is like watching a judge frowningly pick at my prize-winning pumpkin pie, or watching a teacher disapprovingly evaluate my child. It is not an enjoyable experience. It is very stressful and I wish I could let people know that it hurts - and, therefore, that my sharing means I love them very much and am willing to go through this experience to connect with them on a deeper level.
And yes, that was a very randomly assembled collection of paragraphs. :-)
4 comments:
*hugs*
I have been learning this past year that openness is worth the pain, but oh, it does depend on who you are being open with...Praying you find a friend who will know and understand you well enough that sharing is not painful - that in that friendship you will know each other well enough to truly share your heart and not have to expect that heart to be broken in return. <3
{also, painful as this post is, your writing style is beautifully evocative - I felt the emotions you were describing, and you wrote it all so well...}
Oh, Vicki, how I wish I could sit and visit with you. I do hope I'd have listening ears that are full of love and graciousness because I know who uncomfortable and hurtful it is to have your thoughts picked apart like cotton candy.
Blessings to you for loving this person despite her forgetfulness. And blessings to you for being okay with yourself; it isn't easy for us deep-souled people to accept being misjudged and misunderstood. Just today I said something very thoughtless which came out as crass, divisive and even flirtatious(to another man)... oh, how my heart hurts!! I wish I could eat all of my words and hide my silly joke away for no one to hear. But they're all out and I need to accept that I said something I shouldn't and move on. I can't really change the moment that happened 9 hours ago.
Ugh ...
Also, because you are one of those friends I feel I can talk to (even through blogging world!) I would love to ask for your prayers. I am feeling so dry, so lacking in love for my Lord, and so far off. Of course, I know that grace is available at any moment and that this could even be a temporary season I need to remain faithful in but, to be honest, I just don't feel like it. And of course I know feelings are not meant to be followed but I'm really struggling with that.
Ah, me ...
Thank you for letting me take up so much of your blogging space. I love and appreciate you and will be praying for you as you pick up your pieces and grow through this moment. Love to you!
Oh Frannie, the dry seasons are so horrible and upsetting, particularly when they come without warning and can't be traced to any specific cause ... believe me, I have been there many more times than I have wanted to be, and I know how sick and frustrated it makes you feel!!
As soon as I read your comment, I thought of a wonderful article that I read the other day, one that might provide a place for you and God to start working together on your poor heart and feelings:
A Place to Start for Spiritually Stuck People
The entire article was massively helpful, but I think the most important things I took away from it were:
a) We ALL go through these seasons! They are normal, and if we deep down truly want to follow hard after God (as I know you do), then they will pass.
b) The underlying "problem" might not be something you've done wrong at all, but just the normal tides of the human heart.
c) God already knows about these spells, He is not one bit surprised by them; and they, too, fall under that "any other creature" item on the list of things that could and will never change His love for you. Remember that He already knew every pitfall and crevasse in your heart and chose you anyway. He knows all about these spells and has still promised that He will never change or even feel differently about you than He did when He was hanging on that cross at Calvary, nailed there by His love for you.
Please read the article - I hope you find some refreshment there!! Don't let Satan distract you so much with your feelings of coldness and failure that it starts to influence your actions - I know how hard it is to stand calmly on the Rock in the midst of the emotion waves that can crash so hard against us; but our loving, caring Jesus is standing right behind us and He will catch us in His arms if we start to fall.
I love you so much, Frannie, you and your sensitive little soul. God is working great, quiet, beautiful works through you whether you can feel and see them or not - even when you feel your weakest and darkest, you are an encouragement to me and someone whom I genuinely look up to and admire. I pray that you would rediscover your joy and peace very soon!!
Hugs, encouragement, and peace to you through our Father's name,
Vicki <3
Ah, Vicki! I haven't responded yet ... and don't have the time to properly respond now, but thank you for your encouragement and pointing me to Truth and Life. I am thankful for your loving heart!
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