It's good, I guess, if the waves drive me to cry out to God instead of someone or something else; but having been through a very dark time that I believe was depression once already, I'm terrified that it could happen again. And this is just about the worst time it could happen again - not with grad school and so many big changes coming up in the fall. How will I dive into my studies with enthusiasm and determination if I am certain that they're all futile and wasted anyway?
If depression does come again, it will be my fault. That's what's the most difficult thing of all. If it comes, it will be because I was self-indulgent, and didn't make myself get off my seat and deny myself and go do the things. It will be because I sat and hated myself intensely for two hours while playing online historical doll costume games, instead of channeling the hatred to kick myself off the computer and go make or draw or knit or write or bake something. It will be because I let it happen.
That's what frightens me most of all.
3 comments:
Thank you so much! I really needed this.
~Chloe
the thing about the darkness is not just that it comes back at us...but that it does not, cannot last forever. If it does come...it will also leave. You know the Light, so yes, let darkness drive you to Him...just don't let yourself be afraid of its power.
And Vicki...I am confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. He's never going to give up on you.
but oh, I know so well the letting mindless activities numb my mind to drown out some approaching deadline instead of actually using that time to prepare myself...it's so incredibly easy to fall into that. (and the reason why I'm only on email/blogger/etc once a week right now.) It works so well until you look at the time and realize what you've wasted and everything is ten times worse than it was before.
we both want so much more out of life. resigning ourselves to a future without that more is horrifying. don't resign. We serve the God who created the universe. Is He not strong enough to change and use even our weaknesses? His strength is made perfect in weakness. You know what your weakness are...look for His strength. Delight yourself also in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...He has placed the desire to make a difference in you, and made you someone who not just wants to but who is able to do it. You have to trust His abilities more than you doubt your own.
you know all this...but I just wanted to say I get what it's like...and I know you can get through it. :)
love & hugs,
KS
Vicki, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I too have been on the verge of depression of late. While our circumstances are different, I'm sure the feelings are similar. We just have to trust GOD, and follow HIM.
My dear friend, I'm sending you a big hug right now, and these scriptures that I pray will be a blessing to you. :)
Psalm 138:3
“In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.”
Matthew 19:26
“But Jesus looked at them and said to them, ‘With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’”
2 Corinthians 4:16
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.”
Philippians 4:13
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
2 Timothy 1:7
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
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